Need more discipline

Category: Blog Published: Tuesday, 13 March 2018 Written by Butterfly Wing

Discipline - image still from

Lately I've been feeling so lethargic and tired all the time. I've had enough sleep and I do a moderate amount of exercise (not as much as I used to, but 1-3 times a week since January). I vaguely know what the problems are, but somehow I just can't seem to make myself more disciplined and get on with solving them.


Despite the fact that I get enough hours of being in bed, and also being asleep, I'm probably not going about it the right way. I don't go to bed the same time every night, I keep hitting that damn snooze button in the morning and I'm not putting away the good ol' electronic devices early enough. I've been meaning to do meditation before bed, but I haven't got round to that either. I really need to be more disciplined 'coz every day I just feel tired and despondent.

I mean, just a short 5-min meditation before bed. Is that so hard? Growing up, I used to be made to do meditations of an hour or more. Maybe that's why I resist it now - 'coz I was made to do it so much as a kid. But it's not like I need to spend hours doing it. And apparently there are real benefits of doing it. It can help one relax, focus and just generally wind down before bed. So why can't I just fucking do it? Five minutes! That is all!


So I want to be a badass, right? Well, one doesn't just wake up one day and become a superhero. This isn't Marvel. I know this fine well. It took me nearly two years of hard training to be able to do one pull-up. I got to the stage where I could do 2 strong pull-ups in a row. But then what happened? Didn't I want to be able to do 3, 5, 10? Didn't I want to be able to do hand stands? Pistol squats? L-sits? What the hell happened? I'm just so lazy now. I feel like I can't be arsed going to the gym. I feel bored. Even though the other day I managed to do 30 kg chest presses, popping me into the intermediate level for my weight and age group on It was an achievement! But then what? I haven't been to the gym for a week and a half now. I mean, when I'm there, I always do my best and push it hard. But it's the getting there that's the problem. It's the getting off my arse and actually going. I used to do my training at 7 am! A couple of years ago, I did my strength training early in the morning before work and then Muay Thai training in the evening after work three times a week, plus one cardio a week, usually a 3 or 4K run on the treadmill. Sometimes if I didn't have to start work til late morning, I would even follow my strength training with 10 or 20 laps in the pool. I was also going to TRX suspension classes once or twice a week. And now? I barely make strength training once a week. I haven't done my treadmill run for months and months, ditto swimming. And after my usual Muay Thai classes had changed to a less convenient time for me, I haven't been at all! Same with suspension.

OK, I'll admit that maybe I was going to the gym too much at the expense at getting my academic writing done, and I was probably right to cut down on the number of hours and activities I spent doing in the gym. But it doesn't mean I should all but give up altogether! 


Food is another thing. Half the time I don't know what I want to eat. Everything seems samey and boring. When I was training hard, I was also keeping track of my food and water intake. I had a notebook with meal plans and kept track of my fruit & veg and water intake. I wanted to be healthy, to eat the right foods to build my muscle. OK, I didn't always stick to the plan, but I mostly did (probably 80% of the time). But even that seems to have fallen by the wayside. A couple of weeks ago, I tried with the meal plans again. But I didn't even bother to try to stick to it. My 5-a-day of fruit & veg and 2 litres a day of water are sporadic at best. What on earth is wrong with me?

I want to be a warrior. I want to be badass. I want to get my promotion. But I just feel so despondent. I seem to have a severe problem of ennui and malaise. I need to get out of this pit. I need to do something about myself. Discipline. I need more discipline. Somehow, I need to be able to force myself to do stuff even when I can't be arsed because the more I just give in to my lethargy and postpone activity for another day, the worse it gets, and the harder it becomes to then go back to do it. My brain will start fizzling away, my muscles will start to atrophy and my ability to do pull-ups will be lost, I'll become a pathetic slob. A damp squib.

Christ, that sounds morose! I better get of this self-deprecation train and give myself a good kick up the arse!